during these days , this line from Feodor Dostoyevsky book keep flashing into my head
"you know every man ought to have at least one place where people feel for him!! "
i did'n realy understand it when i read it first time , but now i do ,
specialy when i see all the people i loved and all the people that i thought for once they will be here when i need them , they turns to ghosts ...
now i start to learn " the reality " , but i don't Abandon my way of mixing it with my dreams , so i don't feel the pain of its uglly face .

and i think Dostoyevsky was true in what he said , because its very hard if you didn't find this one , and in that case there is only you , you , this nasty dirty word , at least for me ,
i set with my self and start to see how uglly this place i have inside , all this dead love and the rest of these Childish dreams , this very old burned bulding which nothing live inside , only these ghosts of all the people i loved , and very old man siting in a corner !!
as much as i spend more time woundring in this place as much as it suck my Soul and killed me ! i just hate to be infornt of the reality merror ...

i Complain ? yes , i do
take me from me ! and its usless to Complain ,,, and its hard to stay silence too , happy thoughts not made for me , i dont need it , i mean i dont want it , cause if you give it to me you will lie to me , and if you think about it you lie to yourself, i dont say that as a fact , but this is what the old man in the corner told me .

if you dont understand all that upove , then you understand what i mean .